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![]() Well that year zoomed by! After the anticipation and chaos of the festive season, the excitement of having our two beautiful daughters home with us for Christmas and welcoming in the new year, I'm now sat with a cup of coffee reflecting on the events of the past year. Christmas for me, always heightens the awareness of those we have loved and lost, whether this is through bereavement or lost relationships. As Christmas cards dropped onto the mat, taking into consideration the cost of buying and sending cards, I realise that friendships that once dominated my life and felt so important have ebbed away as life changes and choices are made. It has taken me a number of years to realise that some people are only meant to be in our lives for a short period of time, they can enhance it or help us to learn from the relationship, whether positively or otherwise. I used to believe that having lots of friends was what I needed, that it somehow validated me and I was liked. I now realise that it is not the number of friends that is important, it is knowing which ones are there for you during the difficult times as well as the good, no judgement, just genuine friendship . Quality over quantity. As many people start the new year vowing to make and keep New Years resolutions, I have decided that this year I am not going to do this as such. Having discussed it with my youngest daughter; instead of me committing to losing weight, drinking less, going to the gym weekly etc, I will make a promise to myself - we talked about learning to say yes and no. Learning to accept and love who we are, the good and the not so good bits. Being empowered to say yes to the things we want to do without fear of upsetting other people, yes to new adventures and yes to putting ourselves first. With that comes the ability to say no for the exact same reasons; to learn and value ourselves, we are the only person who can really make the right decisions for ourselves. We cannot decide how other people perceive, accept or don't accept our decisions, that is down to them and something that they need to work through for themselves. We all have a choice and with those choices come consequences. We need to learn to have strength and belief in our abilities. Those who truly want the best for us will (hopefully and eventually) realise that we do have the ability to make the right choices for ourselves (it's ok that these may differ from what they think or believe), and even if these choices don't work out as we hoped, planned or anticipated the journey of gaining knowledge, courage, strength and belief in ourselves is invaluable. You'll always end up where you need to be. Happy New Year to you; and a message to our two daughters ‘Remember you are braver than you believe, Stronger than you seem, Smarter than you think and Loved more than you’ll ever know.’
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I recognise and acknowledge that empty nest is not just a phenomenon experienced by parents whose child is leaving and moving to university.
After the warmth of the summer holidays, receiving exam results and finalising choices for the future, September brings with it new beginnings and transitions. Over the next few weeks there will be countless streams of cars crammed full of bedding, crockery, pots and pans and other items from home, taking to the roads and transporting their children and possessions either back to, or to university for the first time. If you're really lucky and have left behind the extra items that might come in handy, there's just enough room for your child and yourselves to be shoehorned in too! Excitement, trepidation, anxiety are crammed in the car too, both for the young adult embarking on their new journey, and parents alike, a vehicle full of mixed emotions. Having safely left your child in their accommodation, and usually wiping away a few (or a lot of) tears the journey back home begins. What now? Who am I? What should I do? I'll miss them... These and so many more questions and emotions fill the spaces where the bedding, pots and pans sat. After we'd dropped off both our daughters at uni all these questions bombarded us, I realised that this was what they meant by empty nest. The girls are now in years 2 and 3 of uni, but this hits me each year, who am I now that both the girls have moved on to their next adventure in life? Up until now I knew I was mum; dependable, always there, teaching/nagging, supporting and loving both the girls unconditionally. This has not changed, however as time has moved on I realise that our relationships with one another has. They are now independent (most of the time - we still get the odd text asking how to defrost or cook an item, or is it ok to wash/tumble dry a specific item of clothing) they make their own choices and decisions - as it should be. Both have partners who are their go-to person and that is fantastic, however as a mum it has taken me a while (and I still am) adjusting to the change in our relationship, especially if they are going through a difficult time and all you can do is be there for them, no longer being able to just make it all better. It'll never be how it was, it is different, still positive, beautiful, the best job in the world, just different. I tried to find and read numerous articles so I felt less alone in this new role and how I was feeling. Some were helpful, some not so, some even seemed to ridicule how I was feeling - there were undertones of 'pull yourself together' - or perhaps that was just my sensitivities. Now that I am getting used to how things are I found that working through some of these 'tips' can be helpful, they might help you too: Keep in touch - Even though your child has moved away you can still keep in contact via phone calls, emails, texts or video chats. However, they are trying to build new friendships and support networks so they need time and space too! Arrange to visit - and be prepared that this usually entails filling the fridge and taking them out for something decent to eat, but nevertheless it's still quality time! Talk to someone - If you're finding it difficult adjusting to having an empty nest talk to loved ones, your partner will possibly be experiencing something similar (whether their emotions and feelings are the same or different - just as we are all individuals we all experience things differently, neither is right or wrong) or friends in a similar situation - they'll understand. Share how you are feeling, it's normal to feel sad, lonely and lost (or excited and happy), whatever you're feeling is ok. If you start to experience a low mood or feel depressed, consult your GP or seek counselling. It's ok to feel positive - You now no longer have a young adult asking for your undivided attention at all hours of the day and night. Using the extra time and energy you now might have, you could invest it in some personal interests or hobbies you have had on the back burner, or focus on getting to know who you are now. Some individuals nurture their relationship with their partner, that might have been put on hold, and explore the delights of being together and 'child-free'. Whatever you choose to do might help you adapt to this major life change. Give yourself time - Most importantly, give yourself time to adjust and accept this new phase in your own and your child's lives; acceptance to be with the ‘not knowing’, accepting and trusting this new process and truly learning to let go. There will be a mix of emotions. Focus on what you can do to help your child succeed they do leave home. Feel proud that you have enabled this young adult to grow and mature into an independent person. |
AuthorI am a counsellor who wants to empower individuals to be the best version of themselves. Archives
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